What do you do when you can’t control the messenger? It's simple. If the Board of Control for Cricket in India are to be believed, start the indoctrination early.

Stung with all the backlash and criticism over the ousting of the popular Harsha Bhogle from the commentary panel of the 2016 Indian Premier League, BCCI secretary Anurag Thakur shot back on Friday with a revolutionary new suggestion: the creation of a commentary academy where aspiring commentators will be able to hone their skills.

The suggestion makes sense – if there are academies to train journalists, then why not commentators as well? But then again, since it’s the BCCI that have mooted this suggestion, it would hardly be surprising if the products of this proposed academy end up sounding like mouthpieces of India’s rich and powerful cricket governing body.

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Here are a few rules which will surely be among the founding principles of the curriculum at the proposed academy.

Lesson 1: The IPL is our gift to mankind
That’s rule one and needs to be committed to memory. There is nothing better in the world than the Indian Premier League. Its virtues should be extolled at every possible opportunity. The crowds that troop in are always having “a jolly good time”, despite the uncomfortable seating and the hot sun. Every six and four hit is exhilarating. No game is dull – the stadiums are the best in the world and the pitches, whether they are dust bowls or flat tracks, are even better. The tournament is the best thing that has happened since sliced bread.

Lesson 2: Remember the jargon
Prospective trainees, there’s a new cricket dictionary in town. Sixes, fours and catches don’t exist in that dictionary so it’s time to relearn. A six is not a six but a “Yes Bank” Maximum. A nifty piece of batting is a “Vitara Brezza Glam Moment”. A good catch is a “Freecharge Bolt Moment”. A break taken in the middle of innings for no other reason but to show television viewers more adverts is a CEAT Strategic Time Out. Of course, all of the above is subject to change according to whoever we sign up with the next season, so don’t get too comfortable.

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Lesson 3: The sky is the limit
Everything is measured in superlatives. Being silent and letting the action speak for itself is too old-fashioned. Yell as loud as you can, point out the obvious and ensure you don’t run out of adjectives. Everything is “amazing”, every catch is “incredible”, every half-decent innings is “the greatest innings ever seen”. You’re not here to provide subtle, nuanced insights; you’re here to cheerlead with your voice.

Lesson 4: Controversy? What controversy?
Refer to Lesson 1 for this. Since the IPL is a gift to mankind, it needs to be put on a pedestal and worshipped. Everything is perfect. No mention must be made of any controversies, any court cases, or well, anything negative at all. Relentless positivity is the reason you're being paid a lot of money. Your objects of criticism are... well, exactly nothing. Indian players cannot do any wrong, the BCCI cannot do any wrong and nothing can ever be any wrong. Bonus points for you if you can subtly criticise those who are against the BCCI (especially those annoying journalists) without making it too obvious.

Lesson 5: No comments on the grander scheme of things
Since we’re trying to peddle the illusion that the IPL is the be-all and end-all of cricket, comments about any cricket happening outside the scope of this tournament should be kept to a minimum. So obviously no comments about any Pakistani cricketers, and any observations about what’s happening elsewhere in the cricket world are a strict no-no. One or two comments about a player’s form in some other part of the world can be tolerated, but anything that takes the viewer’s attention away from the bubble of the Indian Premier League and you’ll soon find yourself watching the match on television and listening to Navjot Singh Sidhu.