What is it about modern friendships that makes us sociable and lonely at the same time? And what does a friend mean, really? At a recent TEDx Talk in Chennai (video above) titled “What we don’t say about friendship”, journalist and author Manu Joseph took a stab at making sense of these questions, which took him back to his days of studying for engineering entrance exams.

He didn’t have any friends at the time, he said. “It was so bad that I wanted the government to appoint my friends and make it illegal for people to ignore me.” At one point, he said he wondered if being friends meant you just insulted one another, watching young people around him “bonding” in this manner.

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But the dynamics of these seemingly complex connections appear to have changed in the time of social media networks. Modern friendship is transforming the world in very profound ways, felt Joseph. “It’s the golden age of friendship. But we are still lonely,” he said in his 17-minute long talk, sprinkled with irreverent humour. It is complicated to belong in a time we want to be free.

So why do we bother forming these links? Perhaps because it serves our own ideas? “Friendship is a corroboration of biases...We get confirmation about our beliefs from other people.” Not just beliefs, be it political or social, but also how we view our own image. Earlier, it wasn’t easy to get compliments, pointed out Joseph. But in the age of social media, you don’t need to do anything special to be showered with all kinds of praise.

In effect, by surrounding ourselves with “friends” who think just like us and will likely echo our own views, we are just complimenting ourselves.

So what does that make today’s definition of friends? “They are people we probably love, but who we cannot own. So we’ll enjoy them, but they will never solve our loneliness.”