Obituary for Indian National Congress (1885-2016): 'Death was slow in coming'

On the afternoon of May 19, 2016, the Indian National Congress, sole surviving issue of Allan Octavian Hume and Dadabhai Naoroji, passed away peacefully, in its sleep, at the age of 131.

Death was slow in coming. After an extended period of illness, injuries inflicted by Rahul Gandhi, son of the current owner, proved to be fatal.

Born in 1885, the Indian National Congress was designed to be irrelevant. After over one hundred years of involuntary fund transfer to Britain, the natives were restless. The Raj was in peril. Sensing the danger, British civil servant Allen Octavian Hume created the Indian National Congress, whose task was to mumble inarticulately. This it did until 1920, when it was acquired by MK Gandhi. Historians refer to this as the pre-imperial phase of the Congress.

Proprietary concern

Ignoring the will of the founding fathers, MK Gandhi connected the Indian National Congress to the masses. As a result, India became independent in 1947. In 1948, the Congress was acquired by JL Nehru, at which point it became a proprietary concern. He did not dissolve the Congress, as suggested by Gandhi, as it was required for future elections, focusing instead on transfer of power.

The handover process was smooth. As a party founded by a civil servant, the Indian National Congress supported the British Raj. Its only objection was that it was run by the British. Once an Indian head was installed, tranquility was restored. The system of involuntary fund transfer from the population to the Raj resumed. Over time, it grew and flourished. The party prospered.

In the following decades, the Indian National Congress witnessed several changes in management. During the tenure of Indira, daughter of JL, all her opponents were removed.

Meanwhile, poor people had begun to notice that they were still very poor. As a result, once more, the natives were restless. In response to this, under the leadership of Indira, the Congress declared war on poverty – 24 years after coming to power. From this point onwards, it mentioned poverty more frequently.

The last straw

An attribute that always distinguished the Congress was its love for children. The party believed that the children are our future, and that they should be cherished. Initially implemented at the central level, recent years saw the application of this principle at the state level. Fearing its extension to the district, block and panchayat levels, many Congress workers, unwilling to support the children of others, chose to leave the party instead.

Meanwhile, despite strong endorsements from the comedy community, youth leader Rahul Gandhi was unable to inspire the youth. In the battlefield of ideas, too, the Congress was unable to compete. The Congress ideologies of “Would you like some spectrum?” and “Please help my son, Rahul”, were thoroughly defeated by the opposing ideologies of “Development!” and “Yes! Hindu!”

Towards the end, many Congress leaders sensed impending doom. They supplied Rahul Gandhi with travel brochures, highlighting the benefits of various holiday destinations, such as Switzerland (“Chocolate!”) and Mount Kilimanjaro (“Provides a clear view of Jupiter”), but these efforts were in vain.

A small but tasteful memorial service will be held for the Indian National Congress on Sunday, May 22. All attendees will receive a small bag of money, plus the chance to win great prizes, such as coal mines, pizza, and autographed volumes of the poetry of Kapil Sibal.

Readers unable to attend can send condolence messages to letters@scroll.in. Editor Naresh Fernandes will personally select the best of them, once he gets over his grief.