The only thing worse than a man in a beard is a woman in a beard, because she is pretending to be a different gender. Also, in the case of women, the beard is usually false, adding another layer of deceit to the whole enterprise. Luckily, such cases are few and far between. Bearded men are far more widespread. Therein lies the danger. We are surrounded by men who can render themselves unrecognisable simply by using a razor. Yet none of us thinks of the peril. I am, of course, leaving out those who wear beards as a matter of religious faith. I refer only to those who choose to be fuzzy, as a matter of personal taste.
This independent, unprompted impulse to be bearded is inherently shady. What type of mentality is it that leads a man to look at his face in the mirror and say, I must hide as much of this as possible? And yet society condones this. At the dawn of human history, bearded men in positions of power established social conventions that lull us into a false sense of security. We have been trained to think of them as harmless.
History is full of bearded men who have caused incalculable human misery, like Genghis Khan, Karl Marx, Fu Manchu, Hans Gruber, Osama bin Laden, Ivan the Terrible, General Zod, Tarun Tejpal and Fidel Castro. This evil comes in a wide variety of subsets, such as dictators, Leftist economists and corrupt Shaolin masters. The evidence is all around us, and yet we do not use our eyes to see.
America is the most advanced nation on earth, and we should be learning from them. Kim Kardashian has never dated a man with a beard. In the last 125 years, the American public has never elected a bearded man as president. The CIA spent the better part of the Cold War trying to sabotage Fidel Castro’s beard, by sneaking thalium salts into his shoes, which would “cause his eyebrows, beard and pubic hair to fall out”. This was just one of CIA's 33 plans, which included exploding cigars, wild acid trips, poisoned fountain pens and suits with fungus. As we speak, at airports across the USA, men in beards are being treated with the utmost suspicion.
Bearded men are inherently misogynistic. Their attitude towards women is poor. They look at their life partners, smile their secret smiles and think, “You can use all the moisturiser you like, but my beard will be scratching your cheeks on a daily basis.” Is this any way to treat the mother of their children?
Different beards tell us different things. A long flowing beard can be used to hide things, such as weapons and food items, that the bearded person does not want to share with you. A beard that covers the whole face sends a clear message – this man wants to make it as hard as possible for you to recognise him. A goatee has only one purpose – to be fingered slowly while hatching evil plots. But the French cut beard is the worst of all. The owner of a French cut beard combines evil with a sense of aesthetics. He will cause you pain and suffering in ways that are elegant and carefully art directed. Countless films in various languages have taught us this, yet we never seem to learn. Scientific studies have ranked and classified beards in order of evil, from the full beard to the soul patch, an unholy little strip on the tip of the chin.
Facial hair mafia
If any of your friends have become recently bearded, shave them while there is still time. The evil may not have set in yet. But for anyone who has been bearded for more than five years, it is probably too late. The only thing to do is shun them as much as possible. This yardstick should also be applied professionally. If your company has too many bearded people in senior positions, you need to leave now. Remember not to share your plans with any bearded people, even if they appear harmless. The beard mafia is everywhere. Its tentacles are in everything. Its resources are many. Its vision is long-term. Through its ownership of Gillette, which is now in a monopoly position, it is making it more and more expensive to shave.
We may not be able to do much about global conspiracies. But at least in our personal lives, we must be vigilant. The next time you meet a bearded man, ask yourself a simple question.
What does this man have to hide?
This independent, unprompted impulse to be bearded is inherently shady. What type of mentality is it that leads a man to look at his face in the mirror and say, I must hide as much of this as possible? And yet society condones this. At the dawn of human history, bearded men in positions of power established social conventions that lull us into a false sense of security. We have been trained to think of them as harmless.
History is full of bearded men who have caused incalculable human misery, like Genghis Khan, Karl Marx, Fu Manchu, Hans Gruber, Osama bin Laden, Ivan the Terrible, General Zod, Tarun Tejpal and Fidel Castro. This evil comes in a wide variety of subsets, such as dictators, Leftist economists and corrupt Shaolin masters. The evidence is all around us, and yet we do not use our eyes to see.
America is the most advanced nation on earth, and we should be learning from them. Kim Kardashian has never dated a man with a beard. In the last 125 years, the American public has never elected a bearded man as president. The CIA spent the better part of the Cold War trying to sabotage Fidel Castro’s beard, by sneaking thalium salts into his shoes, which would “cause his eyebrows, beard and pubic hair to fall out”. This was just one of CIA's 33 plans, which included exploding cigars, wild acid trips, poisoned fountain pens and suits with fungus. As we speak, at airports across the USA, men in beards are being treated with the utmost suspicion.
Bearded men are inherently misogynistic. Their attitude towards women is poor. They look at their life partners, smile their secret smiles and think, “You can use all the moisturiser you like, but my beard will be scratching your cheeks on a daily basis.” Is this any way to treat the mother of their children?
Different beards tell us different things. A long flowing beard can be used to hide things, such as weapons and food items, that the bearded person does not want to share with you. A beard that covers the whole face sends a clear message – this man wants to make it as hard as possible for you to recognise him. A goatee has only one purpose – to be fingered slowly while hatching evil plots. But the French cut beard is the worst of all. The owner of a French cut beard combines evil with a sense of aesthetics. He will cause you pain and suffering in ways that are elegant and carefully art directed. Countless films in various languages have taught us this, yet we never seem to learn. Scientific studies have ranked and classified beards in order of evil, from the full beard to the soul patch, an unholy little strip on the tip of the chin.
Facial hair mafia
If any of your friends have become recently bearded, shave them while there is still time. The evil may not have set in yet. But for anyone who has been bearded for more than five years, it is probably too late. The only thing to do is shun them as much as possible. This yardstick should also be applied professionally. If your company has too many bearded people in senior positions, you need to leave now. Remember not to share your plans with any bearded people, even if they appear harmless. The beard mafia is everywhere. Its tentacles are in everything. Its resources are many. Its vision is long-term. Through its ownership of Gillette, which is now in a monopoly position, it is making it more and more expensive to shave.
We may not be able to do much about global conspiracies. But at least in our personal lives, we must be vigilant. The next time you meet a bearded man, ask yourself a simple question.
What does this man have to hide?
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