Ever since she has become the Minister for External Affairs, most people have not heard a peep from Sushma Swaraj. It seems like she is only in the news these days when her ministry screws up or she says something “controversial”. Since this is the season to give, we thought we would let her explain her recent remarks and tell us what she has been up to these past few months.
Hello Everyone!
This is your foreign minister speaking. You might know me from such hits as “threatening to live like a widow if Sonia Gandhi becomes Prime Minister” and “trying to get the central government to declare a popular ancient text as a national book”.
You might not know it, but I’ve been in politics “since forever”, as the kids say these days. I didn’t do anything mythical like fight alligators with one hand while having ice cream with the other like our superhuman Prime Minister. After all, I am just a mere mortal. But I did have a storied career!
I woke up like this
At the ripe old age of 25, when most people are just getting their bearings, I became the youngest cabinet minister in a state government, a position that I earned the old-fashioned way: by winning an election. I was also the first woman chief minister of Delhi. I would’ve won the election if they’d given me more time than a couple of months to clean up the mess my two male predecessors had left for me. I was the Leader of Opposition in the previous Lok Sabha, and I am the country’s first female non-Indira Gandhi External Affairs Minister. And I achieved all this while being a member of a political party whose parent organisation believes that the only two places a woman should exist at is either the home or the temple.
I’ve broken more glass ceilings than I care to count. Lately, however, everyone’s been having a go at me, like I’m some sort of Manmohan Singh. I, for one, will not stand for having my good name slandered. People accuse me of raising old and irrelevant issues. Well, you know what, genius, you try talking about policy issues in this country. Lord knows how difficult it is to get the media to focus on something else besides their new boyfriend for two frikkin’ minutes.
Do you think they called me to a function that was about the celebration of the Gita to talk about the vagaries of the India-Bangladesh water treaty? Do you think they wanted me to give a two-hour lecture about India’s role in the post-Cold War world? They called me to get some attention for their little shindig. And attention is what I got them.
Just another cog in the wheel
I’ve been on trips to Vietnam, Bangladesh, Afghanistan, Bahrain, Myanmar and signed a couple of treaties. But did you hear about it? No? That’s what I thought. I went to Nepal for the SAARC summit and got each member country on the same page long enough to negotiate an agreement on energy cooperation. You know how hard it is to get the SAARC countries to agree to anything? We couldn’t even order dinner from the same restaurant. But I bullied, cajoled, convinced, explained and pretty much spent three days getting everyone to sign on the dotted line. It was difficult and seemed impossible, but I made it happen. I shouldn’t have bothered though because three days later the Prime Minister waltzed in with his ‘Hi, Nawaz, how are you diyar, want to do fraandship’ and stole the show.
People don’t even remember that I went to Nepal for the SAARC summit, let alone saved it from becoming a complete shitshow. Anyway, I’m not complaining! I’m a workhorse. I like getting things done, even when I’m not getting credit for them.
It’s not that I don’t know things have changed. I used to host Kings, Queens and Presidents. Now I have to make polite conversation with Sartaj Aziz. I used to be the most powerful woman in the BJP. Now I’m not even the most powerful woman in the Council of Ministers! I used to give fiery speeches in Parliament that brought all the compliments to my yard. Now, on the rare occasions that I am allowed to speak, it is to mumble a half-hearted monologue defending the Chosen One from valid criticism.
And I will always love me
It’s not that I don’t know what’s going on. I am being sidelined. Being politically neutralised. While the Prime Minister’s favourite member of the cabinet – who lost a safe seat in a wave election to a guy who didn’t even want to be there – gets to run two important ministries, my department is turned into a glorified travel agency. That doesn’t faze me, though. I have been here long enough to know that the only constant in the world is change. I am old enough to have seen India turn from a socialist nightmare into a capitalistic dystopia. I survived Vajpayee’s long-ass sermons, Advani’s sad but hilariously unsuccessful bid for the top job, and I will be here long after Prime Minister Holden Caulfield is just a bad memory in everyone’s mind. Until then, I am literally going to do everything I can to keep myself in the news.
From now on, I’m going to accept every invitation that is presented to me. I’ll inaugurate your mall, attend your children’s crappy wedding, and show up at your conference to say ultra-regressive things that elicit condemnation from all quarters. Hell, I will even pretend that I didn’t need to have 57 cups of black coffee just to stay awake for a half-hour meeting with John Kerry as long as that helps get my picture on the front page of every newspaper.
I’m going to bide my time and wait for this shining star to exhaust himself. And then, when the time comes to pick up the pieces, the party is going to come crawling back to me. Like they always do. Now please excuse me, I’m late for my speech at a ‘Stop the Love Jihad’ rally.
Hello Everyone!
This is your foreign minister speaking. You might know me from such hits as “threatening to live like a widow if Sonia Gandhi becomes Prime Minister” and “trying to get the central government to declare a popular ancient text as a national book”.
You might not know it, but I’ve been in politics “since forever”, as the kids say these days. I didn’t do anything mythical like fight alligators with one hand while having ice cream with the other like our superhuman Prime Minister. After all, I am just a mere mortal. But I did have a storied career!
I woke up like this
At the ripe old age of 25, when most people are just getting their bearings, I became the youngest cabinet minister in a state government, a position that I earned the old-fashioned way: by winning an election. I was also the first woman chief minister of Delhi. I would’ve won the election if they’d given me more time than a couple of months to clean up the mess my two male predecessors had left for me. I was the Leader of Opposition in the previous Lok Sabha, and I am the country’s first female non-Indira Gandhi External Affairs Minister. And I achieved all this while being a member of a political party whose parent organisation believes that the only two places a woman should exist at is either the home or the temple.
I’ve broken more glass ceilings than I care to count. Lately, however, everyone’s been having a go at me, like I’m some sort of Manmohan Singh. I, for one, will not stand for having my good name slandered. People accuse me of raising old and irrelevant issues. Well, you know what, genius, you try talking about policy issues in this country. Lord knows how difficult it is to get the media to focus on something else besides their new boyfriend for two frikkin’ minutes.
Do you think they called me to a function that was about the celebration of the Gita to talk about the vagaries of the India-Bangladesh water treaty? Do you think they wanted me to give a two-hour lecture about India’s role in the post-Cold War world? They called me to get some attention for their little shindig. And attention is what I got them.
Just another cog in the wheel
I’ve been on trips to Vietnam, Bangladesh, Afghanistan, Bahrain, Myanmar and signed a couple of treaties. But did you hear about it? No? That’s what I thought. I went to Nepal for the SAARC summit and got each member country on the same page long enough to negotiate an agreement on energy cooperation. You know how hard it is to get the SAARC countries to agree to anything? We couldn’t even order dinner from the same restaurant. But I bullied, cajoled, convinced, explained and pretty much spent three days getting everyone to sign on the dotted line. It was difficult and seemed impossible, but I made it happen. I shouldn’t have bothered though because three days later the Prime Minister waltzed in with his ‘Hi, Nawaz, how are you diyar, want to do fraandship’ and stole the show.
People don’t even remember that I went to Nepal for the SAARC summit, let alone saved it from becoming a complete shitshow. Anyway, I’m not complaining! I’m a workhorse. I like getting things done, even when I’m not getting credit for them.
It’s not that I don’t know things have changed. I used to host Kings, Queens and Presidents. Now I have to make polite conversation with Sartaj Aziz. I used to be the most powerful woman in the BJP. Now I’m not even the most powerful woman in the Council of Ministers! I used to give fiery speeches in Parliament that brought all the compliments to my yard. Now, on the rare occasions that I am allowed to speak, it is to mumble a half-hearted monologue defending the Chosen One from valid criticism.
And I will always love me
It’s not that I don’t know what’s going on. I am being sidelined. Being politically neutralised. While the Prime Minister’s favourite member of the cabinet – who lost a safe seat in a wave election to a guy who didn’t even want to be there – gets to run two important ministries, my department is turned into a glorified travel agency. That doesn’t faze me, though. I have been here long enough to know that the only constant in the world is change. I am old enough to have seen India turn from a socialist nightmare into a capitalistic dystopia. I survived Vajpayee’s long-ass sermons, Advani’s sad but hilariously unsuccessful bid for the top job, and I will be here long after Prime Minister Holden Caulfield is just a bad memory in everyone’s mind. Until then, I am literally going to do everything I can to keep myself in the news.
From now on, I’m going to accept every invitation that is presented to me. I’ll inaugurate your mall, attend your children’s crappy wedding, and show up at your conference to say ultra-regressive things that elicit condemnation from all quarters. Hell, I will even pretend that I didn’t need to have 57 cups of black coffee just to stay awake for a half-hour meeting with John Kerry as long as that helps get my picture on the front page of every newspaper.
I’m going to bide my time and wait for this shining star to exhaust himself. And then, when the time comes to pick up the pieces, the party is going to come crawling back to me. Like they always do. Now please excuse me, I’m late for my speech at a ‘Stop the Love Jihad’ rally.
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