As I get all my news from the Bharatiya Janata Party's official YouTube channel, I was quite aghast when I recently found out that the country is having another election. Didn’t we just get done with the greatest general election in the history of the world less than six months ago? Most of us are just starting to recover from that. Having another election so soon is like attending an early Monday morning birthday party for your grandmother after spending the whole weekend participating in a drug-fueled orgy.
I, for one, think we should just elect Narendra Modi to everything by default. Why do we even need state governments or municipal corporations or heads of resident welfare associations at all? Hey, if the President can be the chancellor of every central university, why can’t the best thing to happen to this country-since the first movie that had songs in it-run everything from Race Course Road?
Smite the Heathens, Charlie Brown
I asked the unbelievers at the Election Commission to either cancel the assembly election or declare Narendra Modi the winner but the surly receptionist on the phone told me that they don’t consider change dot org petitions to be valid legal documents and that they need to go ahead with the elections for “legal and democratic reasons”, whatever that means.
So I thought I’d take a look at the various elections happening around the country to tell you why Narendra Modi is still the best candidate for all of them.
In Haryana, India’s #1 source of old men who like to impart folksy wisdom, the people are going to the polls to choose which feudal overlord will ride roughshod over them for the next five years. Haryana is a state straight out of a George RR Martin novel. There are multiple clans fighting for political supremacy, breaking a law is something you wear like a badge of honour and a lot of weddings end up in death and destruction.
In fact, the leadership of one of the main parties in the fray is currently exclusively campaigning from jail, proudly claiming that when they win the elections. The chief minister would be setting a new record by taking the oath from inside the gallows. That is a new high for Indian politics! Usually, chief ministers who are convicted while they are in office have to find the most subservient sycophant as a replacement so that they can continue to enjoy the fruits of power without any of those irritating responsibilities. Now, they don’t even have to do that.
Meanwhile, in Maharashtra, India’s #1 supplier of autocratic asses, the people of the state are going to the polls to decide which political party workers will needlessly bully them for the next five years.
At First I Was Afraid
The BJP’s decision to consciously uncouple itself from the Shiv Sena has left the latter heartbroken. At first the Sena didn’t know what to do with itself. But then it joined the "Ex-Allies of the BJP" support group and got some much needed comfort and encouragement. Still, you can see that the Shiv Sena is sad these days because even beating up taxi drivers from Uttar Pradesh doesn’t cheer them up. They even tried to rant against Muslims but all they could think about was how the BJP betrayed them. The Sena gave them the best years of its life and this is how they got repaid? Left to fend for themselves in the twilight of their life?
This is not how it was supposed to go. The Sena and the BJP were going to conquer the world together! Build statues of ancient kings who brought nothing but glory to the motherland! Show that Italian usurper and her special-needs son that from now on, the people of the country are only going to choose leaders that they #MakeInIndia. Now all those dreams will never come true.
But don’t worry. The Shiv Sena will be fine! It’s doing great! It just joined an early morning yoga group. And it always wanted to enter the local Rotary club’s annual salsa dancing competition but never did so because the BJP didn’t approve of gyrating in public. Sure, sometimes you might find the Shiv Sena in a bar it once tried to close, singing loudly whenever I’M A SURVIVOR by Destiny’s Child is playing on the loudspeaker, but that’s only because it reminds them of another successful super-group that was broken up by someone who wanted all the fame for themselves. No, the Shiv Sena isn’t going to become the Kelly Rowland to Modi’s Beyoncé. It’s going to show the BJP what it’s made of! In fact, the Shiv Sena is already moving on. Just yesterday, it made an account on Senior Shaadi dot com. You’re never too old to find love, right?
Even the always-wrong-for-each-other alliance of the Nationalist Congress Party and the Congress has finally bitten the dust, to the relief of all their friends. Now, they don’t have to listen to Sharad Pawar going on about how he could have been prime minister if it wasn’t for the Congress’ first family. The NCP’s campaign strategy in the state is to pretend that they weren’t part of the government in the state for the past 15 years and at the centre for the past ten. What sort of person would form an alliance with the Congress Party? Not us! We don’t even know who they are!
It’s Déjà Vu All Over Again
The Congress is plodding through the assembly elections like a toddler trying to finish a complicated crossword puzzle ‒ without a single clue. Their campaign strategy proves that they really have learned the lessons from their unprecedented feat in the general elections. Their campaign features the same issues and people that helped them achieve that spectacular result. The Congress is now the Ram Gopal Varma of political parties. A large majority of people used to love their early work and everyone wanted to be seen with them in public. However, now they’re just a huge national embarrassment that everyone ignores. Even Ebola patients have a healthier social life.
Which brings us back to the BJP, the party that’s getting through the assembly elections with the grace and dignity of a 25-year-old virgin who just discovered masturbation. Their whole life, they’ve been told that they can only get a majority when they’re in alliance with someone. That doing it alone would make them blind with power. Then, in a fit of frustration, they decided to give in to that tiny voice in their head and tried something new. And voila! They came, they saw and they conquered! Now they know that if you want to get satisfying results, you have to take things into your own hand.
And that’s the BJP’s campaign strategy! Telling people that they do their best work when they are by themselves. That is why they’re also asking people to give them a comfortable majority in each of the legislative assemblies. Because that is exactly how elections work. All the voters get together beforehand, hold a meeting, determine the number of seats each party deserves and then decide on the voting pattern required for achieving it.
Which is why Narendra Modi is the star of the BJP’s campaign. He is the champion of working alone! He even deemed declaring a chief ministerial candidate for either of the elections to be an unnecessary distraction. The people in these two states don’t care about local candidates. They get to vote for a higher power: Narendra Modi.
All I’d like to know is, where have I heard that one before?
I, for one, think we should just elect Narendra Modi to everything by default. Why do we even need state governments or municipal corporations or heads of resident welfare associations at all? Hey, if the President can be the chancellor of every central university, why can’t the best thing to happen to this country-since the first movie that had songs in it-run everything from Race Course Road?
Smite the Heathens, Charlie Brown
I asked the unbelievers at the Election Commission to either cancel the assembly election or declare Narendra Modi the winner but the surly receptionist on the phone told me that they don’t consider change dot org petitions to be valid legal documents and that they need to go ahead with the elections for “legal and democratic reasons”, whatever that means.
So I thought I’d take a look at the various elections happening around the country to tell you why Narendra Modi is still the best candidate for all of them.
In Haryana, India’s #1 source of old men who like to impart folksy wisdom, the people are going to the polls to choose which feudal overlord will ride roughshod over them for the next five years. Haryana is a state straight out of a George RR Martin novel. There are multiple clans fighting for political supremacy, breaking a law is something you wear like a badge of honour and a lot of weddings end up in death and destruction.
In fact, the leadership of one of the main parties in the fray is currently exclusively campaigning from jail, proudly claiming that when they win the elections. The chief minister would be setting a new record by taking the oath from inside the gallows. That is a new high for Indian politics! Usually, chief ministers who are convicted while they are in office have to find the most subservient sycophant as a replacement so that they can continue to enjoy the fruits of power without any of those irritating responsibilities. Now, they don’t even have to do that.
Meanwhile, in Maharashtra, India’s #1 supplier of autocratic asses, the people of the state are going to the polls to decide which political party workers will needlessly bully them for the next five years.
At First I Was Afraid
The BJP’s decision to consciously uncouple itself from the Shiv Sena has left the latter heartbroken. At first the Sena didn’t know what to do with itself. But then it joined the "Ex-Allies of the BJP" support group and got some much needed comfort and encouragement. Still, you can see that the Shiv Sena is sad these days because even beating up taxi drivers from Uttar Pradesh doesn’t cheer them up. They even tried to rant against Muslims but all they could think about was how the BJP betrayed them. The Sena gave them the best years of its life and this is how they got repaid? Left to fend for themselves in the twilight of their life?
This is not how it was supposed to go. The Sena and the BJP were going to conquer the world together! Build statues of ancient kings who brought nothing but glory to the motherland! Show that Italian usurper and her special-needs son that from now on, the people of the country are only going to choose leaders that they #MakeInIndia. Now all those dreams will never come true.
But don’t worry. The Shiv Sena will be fine! It’s doing great! It just joined an early morning yoga group. And it always wanted to enter the local Rotary club’s annual salsa dancing competition but never did so because the BJP didn’t approve of gyrating in public. Sure, sometimes you might find the Shiv Sena in a bar it once tried to close, singing loudly whenever I’M A SURVIVOR by Destiny’s Child is playing on the loudspeaker, but that’s only because it reminds them of another successful super-group that was broken up by someone who wanted all the fame for themselves. No, the Shiv Sena isn’t going to become the Kelly Rowland to Modi’s Beyoncé. It’s going to show the BJP what it’s made of! In fact, the Shiv Sena is already moving on. Just yesterday, it made an account on Senior Shaadi dot com. You’re never too old to find love, right?
Even the always-wrong-for-each-other alliance of the Nationalist Congress Party and the Congress has finally bitten the dust, to the relief of all their friends. Now, they don’t have to listen to Sharad Pawar going on about how he could have been prime minister if it wasn’t for the Congress’ first family. The NCP’s campaign strategy in the state is to pretend that they weren’t part of the government in the state for the past 15 years and at the centre for the past ten. What sort of person would form an alliance with the Congress Party? Not us! We don’t even know who they are!
It’s Déjà Vu All Over Again
The Congress is plodding through the assembly elections like a toddler trying to finish a complicated crossword puzzle ‒ without a single clue. Their campaign strategy proves that they really have learned the lessons from their unprecedented feat in the general elections. Their campaign features the same issues and people that helped them achieve that spectacular result. The Congress is now the Ram Gopal Varma of political parties. A large majority of people used to love their early work and everyone wanted to be seen with them in public. However, now they’re just a huge national embarrassment that everyone ignores. Even Ebola patients have a healthier social life.
Which brings us back to the BJP, the party that’s getting through the assembly elections with the grace and dignity of a 25-year-old virgin who just discovered masturbation. Their whole life, they’ve been told that they can only get a majority when they’re in alliance with someone. That doing it alone would make them blind with power. Then, in a fit of frustration, they decided to give in to that tiny voice in their head and tried something new. And voila! They came, they saw and they conquered! Now they know that if you want to get satisfying results, you have to take things into your own hand.
And that’s the BJP’s campaign strategy! Telling people that they do their best work when they are by themselves. That is why they’re also asking people to give them a comfortable majority in each of the legislative assemblies. Because that is exactly how elections work. All the voters get together beforehand, hold a meeting, determine the number of seats each party deserves and then decide on the voting pattern required for achieving it.
Which is why Narendra Modi is the star of the BJP’s campaign. He is the champion of working alone! He even deemed declaring a chief ministerial candidate for either of the elections to be an unnecessary distraction. The people in these two states don’t care about local candidates. They get to vote for a higher power: Narendra Modi.
All I’d like to know is, where have I heard that one before?
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