Recently, self-proclaimed “acclaimed” novelist Chetan Bhagat publicly came out against the imposition of Section 377. While expressing his support for the rights of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender population, Mr. Bhagat also had a lot of advice for them! Which is exactly what you would expect from a person who once equated the experience of being gay with wearing make-up. So, in the spirit of fairness, we thought we’d let him explain his position a little better.

Hello, everyone! It’s that time of the month again where I say something stupid and daft and have to provide an explanation for it! I wish I didn’t have to enter an infinite loop of defensiveness whenever I opened my mouth, but, if I’ve learned anything from my stints at our two most prestigious educational institutions, it’s that success comes to only those who persist. I’m just relieved that my livelihood doesn’t depend on explaining my point of view in a clear and concise manner.

I’m not as dumb as I pretend to be. Sometimes I say things that warrant condemnation. That is intentional! I’m counting on upsetting a few people so that I could play victim and help promote whatever movie or book I’m shilling at that time. However, I don’t get this latest controversy. I was trying to do something nice for once and still people on the internet continue to yell at me.

Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina

I understand that this is an emotionally charged issue. Gay people in this country feel like they’re oppressed. Like they’re being denied the right to declare their love. I know exactly how that feels. A few years ago, I was denied the right to call one of the most successful movies of Indian cinema as my own. That really hurt me. I couldn’t eat anything for almost an entire day! No one should be asked to hide their love; especially their love for a movie that was clearly based on their book. Just because you changed some of the story to make it better doesn’t mean you can lay claim to the original idea, Mr. Hirani.

Anyway, I digress. Look, I love you gays! Not in that way, though! But I’m cool with it! I’m a pal. I’m not homophobic. In fact, for a number of years I thought one of my best friends was gay. It didn’t change my attitude towards him at all! I just refused to be alone in a room with him and never let him ride on the backseat of my bike. Other than that, I treated him just like any other friend! I felt really silly when I found out that he wasn’t gay and he just wore bright shirts because he was partially colour blind.

In fact, by telling him to stick to blacks and greys, I did you gays a favour. What if one of you would have thought that he was a fellow traveller on the highway of lust and fallen in love with him? He was so irresistible that I wouldn’t blame you! He had a face you could stare at all day. His smile was so infectious it could even cheer up dead people. And he made your whole body tingle with excitement with a friendly pat on the back or a slight tousle of your hair. Even though we lost touch after college, I still think of him every day. Maybe I should look him up on Facebook?

Anyway, this is not about me. This is about the gays. I was helping them! My article was simply giving them practical advice that they could use. If they didn’t like what I said, it doesn’t make it any less true. I believe the best way to be an ally to people fighting for their rights is to swoop in one day, pretend to care and then tell them to junk whatever they've been doing and start following my lead.

Don’t Show, Don’t Tell

The most important step they need to take is to stop flaunting it. Stop being gay all over my face! We live in a really conservative society. Our society doesn't yet approve of adult humans doing what makes them happy. We believe that everyone has the right to make other people feel miserable.

Now, if I had been a student of history, I’d have given you examples about how society only goes forward when we listen to the most hateful of us. We should give all those people who will never change their mind about accepting gay relationships a chance to change their mind. Miracles do happen! Take my whole career, for example.

Until then, gay people should just make themselves invisible. Be like the furniture! Don’t talk about things that make you human. Don’t tell me that you have a man-crush on Farhan Akhtar when I describe the sex dream I had about an A-List female actor. Don’t tell me that “you don’t swing that way” when I try to set you up with my female cousin. Do me a favour and go on that blind date! When I complain to you about my wife, don’t talk about how you and your boyfriend solved the same problem and try to give me advice.

Pride and Prejudice

That is why I find this whole idea of pride parades ridiculous. It’s another bad western import like freedom of speech and English grammar. All these pride parades do is increase the visibility of the gay community and start a small, limited national conversation about gay rights. It makes everyone realise that the LGBT population is not some abstract hypothetical construct but a large community that includes their family members, friends, colleagues, teachers, business partners, favourite artists, etc. How is that useful? The best way to get someone to accept you is to deny whatever makes you human. As the wise fellow once said, out of sight, always on my mind!

Is there a straight pride parade? Do straight people go about flaunting their sexuality? I’m a straight guy. I have a beautiful wife that I love. She was my college sweetheart and I ended up marrying her. In fact, our love story was so epic I wrote five books about it! Do you see me flaunting my so-called “straightness” in front of people? I don’t think so!

We get it gay people. You’re persecuted for just being yourself. Boo-friggin-who. Who isn’t? Whenever I try to say something, people are always trying to shut me up. Isn’t that a violation of my rights? Do you see me constantly complaining about it? I’m not accepted by the left-liberal literary community in India. But I’ve never ever made a fuss about it. In fact, I have never ever mentioned it before.

Tough Love

Look, I’m not blind. I know there are some kids who are going to get bullied for being gay. That’s heartbreaking, but I think we should let them get bullied! The sooner they find out how terrible the world is going to be to them the better! If we really want them to grow up into mature adults at an early age, we should let them carry this emotional burden with them everywhere they go. In today’s politically correct world, we forget that bullying builds character. I was bullied as a child! And I turned out just great. It’s not like I’ve let the bullying affect my ability to empathise with another person’s humanity. I didn’t let that traumatic childhood experience turn me into a bully myself!

Another way these gays are dangerous is because of their elaborate marriage proposals. I’ve seen them on YouTube! Those are grand, coordinated, contain background dancers and flash mobs. We straight guys can’t compete with that! What if our wives and girlfriends (or both!) see those and raise their expectations? What if they expect us to get more involved in our relationships? This is why I don’t support gay marriage. The gays are going to force us all to make an effort. That is unacceptable!

The worst gays though, are those people who sneak up on you. A few weeks ago I invited a writer and his roommate to watch the World Cup finals with me. We had a great time! They were joking and bantering with each other and even though I felt like the odd man out, I really enjoyed their company and thought that this was a start of a great friendship! We were going to be like the three amigos! I got up to get us some more beers and when I came back, i saw that they were kissing each other. And when they stopped, they didn’t even have the decency to look guilty or sheepish. Then they acted like nothing happened. But the kiss was all I could think about and I wasn’t able to pay attention to the second-half of the match. Once they left, I had my household help dry-clean the sofa and got the room painted in a really dark colour the next day.

So, to make sure that this doesn’t happen to me again, I’ve made an account on the gay dating service Grindr. Now, no matter where I am, I can instantly know about all the gay people in the vicinity and avoid the lot of them.

Unless of course, one of them looks like my cute friend from college.