Indians are particularly fond of stating that marriages aren’t just between two individuals but between two families. How much truth there is to that statement is for each couple to decide for themselves. A family’s deep emotional indent shapes the trajectories of our lives, careers and the many choices we find ourselves making. How extensive and exhausting is your extended family, and how one may want to structure one’s life and schedule around them can also turn the tides of how a couple finds its footing with each other.
An abrupt debate may ensue along the lines of whether one wants the extended family to feel welcome to come home at any time, (announced or unannounced), versus whether one wants the family over only at a mutually acceptable and prescheduled time. One might see it as perfectly okay to take the opinion of one’s mother in how to do up the home and how to raise a child, but the other might view it as juvenile and intrusive into the couple’s space. One might prefer living as a joint family while the other might prefer a nuclear unit where the couple has privacy to self-style how they live and decide how much time is dedicated to different activities and pursuits.
The extent of the involvement of the family of origin in the couple’s life needs to be clarified, as this is potentially a sensitive topic that can make or break the relationship.
The way one interacts with one’s own family – whether there are frequent clashes or there is a culture of overprotectiveness – can be automatically inherited in a couple’s relationship as well as in how the kids are brought up. An example—if a father is authoritarian and is used to giving orders or controlling the home budget, the son/daughter might view being told to do something as controlling and develop a tendency to reflexively deny just as a mark of “rebellion”. Such a person may then come to resist any suggestions from a partner, however beneficial, mainly out of this much-practised and rehearsed need to rebel against any perceived authority figure. Another example – if a growing child is overly protected and spoilt by a mother in matters of food or home chores, the child may grow up to expect the same type of pampering as an adult from their partner and may abhor the idea of adult responsibilities in a relationship.
Therefore, it is pivotal to understand the relationship that both share with their respective families to gauge the extent to which one is comfortable sharing one’s life with the extended family on both sides. Whichever way the wind blows, a new way for the newly minted family will need to be collaboratively created with borrowing from the “old ways” of both sides, but also with room for improving so that “new ways” can be co-created that are mutually satisfying.
Questions to ask each other
What do I like/dislike about the members of my family of origin?
What do I like/dislike about the members of your family of origin?
Are the in-laws going to be living with us (or we are going to be living with them), and if so for how long?
How much time in the day/week/month/year is dedicated to visit/socialise with the extended family on both sides? Are both comfortable with this negotiated time budget?
What is the relationship that each would share with the other’s parents/siblings/other family members? Is there a certain comfort level? Do both like/approve of the relationship shared, or would both prefer more/less contact/ closeness with them?
Excerpted with permission from Talk the Walk: A Premarital Playbook, Minnu Bhonsle, The Bombay Circle Press.
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