A new book shows how parents can build a secure attachment with their children in early childhood

Picture a mother who is busy with her household tasks. Moving from loading the washing machine to unloading the dishwasher, vacuuming the floor, dusting and making the beds. Amid this din, you would think that she would not catch a whisper – phone ringing, doorbell chiming, or even the clock ticking. But then, like a superhero, she dashes to the nursery, zeroing in on her baby’s faint cry. She is like a baby whisperer, understanding her little one’s needs without missing a beat.

As she chats away, changing diapers and showering cuddles, her baby’s tears give way to smiles and coos. The mother’s routine gets frequently interrupted by the baby’s cries, and she responds knowing or guessing what her baby needs and providing it, be it comfort, a feed or some interaction. You might think these are all ordinary moments in life and consider them a given. But it’s these ordinary moments of interaction that build a bond of trust. Parents respond to their baby and help them feel safe and comfortable. And when this happens in a consistent way, day in and day out, it forges the bedrock of trust and leads to what we call a secure attachment between the baby and the mother. It’s the most important foundation we can offer our children, as important as health, nutrition and education, if not more. It equips them with “emotional immunity”, helping them to develop strong emotional regulation skills.

A secure attachment boils down to three things. First, it’s all about safety and security – knowing that someone has got your back no matter what. Then, it’s about emotional regulation – finding comfort in times of distress, experiencing joy and learning how to chill out when things get overwhelming. And lastly, it’s about having a solid launching pad – a secure base to venture out from and explore the big, wide world.

But how exactly does this bond work, and why is it so important? This is where the groundbreaking work of the OGs of attachment theory, psychologists John Bowlby from the UK and Mary Ainsworth from Canada, comes in. They basically figured out that babies come into this world equipped with a bunch of built-in behaviours designed to keep them alive and kicking.

So, when babies start feeling stressed or uncomfortable, their attachment system goes into overdrive, triggering them to cry or cling to their caregivers for dear life. And here is the magic: when caregivers swoop in and respond to their baby’s needs with love and care, it’s like hitting the reset button on the baby’s stress-ometer. They feel safe, protected and ready to take on the world. When the caregiver repeatedly responds in this nurturing way, neurochemicals are released that help wire up their little brains in the most efficient way possible. This eventually helps in laying the foundation for a lifetime of healthy relationships and emotional intelligence.

You do not need to be a superhero parent, responding to every single baby cue like clockwork, to foster a strong bond. Parents could be tired or busy with other work and may not be able to respond all the time. It’s all about finding that sweet spot between being there for your baby and giving yourself some grace when you need it. Dr Edward Tronick’s research revealed that parent-infant synchronicity typically occurs only about 30 per cent of the time, yet this can lay the foundation for a secure attachment.

As parents, we are bound to stumble now and then. When there is a hiccup between your baby’s needs and your response, the key lies in the repair. Consistently patching things up reassures your baby that help is always around the corner. These moments also teach them an important lesson: even when things go awry, they can be set right again.

Babies may not have a fully developed vocabulary, but they are pretty good at making their needs known – whether it’s through cries, reaching out, or other cues. And if you miss the mark, don’t worry – your little one will keep nudging you until you catch on. With time and practice, you will start reading those signals like a pro. So, embrace the idea of being a good-enough parent. Cut yourself some slack – you’ve got this.

Moreover, attachment isn’t a one-parent show – it’s a team effort. Babies can form strong bonds with multiple caregivers, whether it’s mom, dad, grandparents or even a trusted nanny. And guess what? There is no need for turf wars. Your little one can have a unique bond with each of their caregivers based on how they interact. So, while mom might be the go-to for cuddles and comfort, grandma might be the queen of story-time snuggles. As long as caregivers respond lovingly and consistently, babies will thrive with multiple secure attachments. The more, the merrier.

When there is more than one caregiver in the picture, children may develop a specific kind of attachment with each caregiver based on how they respond to their needs. For instance, a child might develop a secure attachment with a loving and responsive mother, a disorganised attachment with a father who mistreats the child, and an avoidant attachment with the grandmother who dismisses the child’s needs. He may indeed have a secure attachment with all three if they are all loving and responsive caregivers.

Excerpted with permission from The Good-Enough Parent: Embracing the Science and Joy of Raising Secure Kids, Kishore Das, Rupa Publications.