In a new book, a psychologist writes about the three-step process of caring for yourself

The other day I decided to cook pasta. Since I did not know the process, I searched for it on the internet, acquired and assembled all the ingredients, and got to work. Once the pasta was ready, I tasted it and realised that it had not come out well. The spaghetti was not boiled properly, the sauce was undercooked, and the spices were all wrong! Of course, I was disappointed. But I did not spend the whole day mulling over it. I went over what needed to be fixed and cooked it again. This time it turned out pretty good!

Learning how to love yourself is like cooking pasta – or whatever you wish to cook. You need to know all the ingredients, add the right kind of spices, and allow enough time to cook properly. Sometimes you will get it right, while other times you may not. But what matters is that you keep at it.

Loving yourself requires a whole blend of ingredients. Let us understand them in more detail.

Ingredient #1: Self-awareness

Self-awareness is about knowing yourself, which warrants an insight into:

• Your thoughts, emotional responses and reactions, and behaviours you engage in

• The impact of your responses and actions on people and the environment around you

• The impact others have on you

Self-awareness extends far beyond knowledge of your food choices, fashion preferences, or colour preferences. It goes deeper and is an ongoing process. It involves understanding and being conscious of how your experiences have shaped you into a unique individual. It involves being aware of your strengths and weaknesses and recognising the areas of life that demand your attention and the ones you are content with. Self-awareness encompasses the knowledge of ourselves, our functioning, and the factors that contribute to identity and values, we constantly play catchup, struggling to comprehend the events and experiences that unfold before us. While self-awareness might seem like a basic inherent quality, it is astonishing how many individuals lack this profound insight into their being and what shapes their essence.

Over the years I have interacted and worked with individuals who had no idea who they were or what they wanted from life. Some were not even aware of their favourite colour or the kind of food they preferred. They simply adopted what was dictated to them or what was socially appropriate.

I was one of them, too. Growing up, I was oblivious to what I wanted because my self-awareness skills were non-existent. Following what was told became a habit and nothing more was expected of me. I also found shelter in following others rather than carving my path. Then, in a eureka moment, I realised that I would never be able to move forward unless I started paying attention to myself. I knew I had to know myself to truly love myself. Everything did not pan out all at once, as initially, I understood what did not work for me. After multiple trials and errors, I figured out what I liked. It enabled me to discern my true needs and desires, eventually leading me towards clarity and understanding.

By directing your focus towards your thoughts, emotions, actions, and underlying motivations, you enhance your ability to actively participate in your journey. It goes much beyond just day-to-day awareness of what’s going on in your mind and body. It is the ability to dig deeper and find all those other layers that make you who you are. It is about knowing how your life circumstances have contributed to your personality, behaviours, and overall outlook. Thus, self-awareness is the first step towards self-love.

Till the time we are alive, we will continue to discover facets of our personality and behaviours. If we fail to take control, someone else will. None of us want that and it is this muscle of self-awareness that helps us to make the necessary choices in life.

So, how do you become self-aware? By paying attention to yourself with openness and curiosity. Ingredient

#2: Self-acceptance

You cannot cook pasta with ramen noodles, can you? Similarly, you cannot love yourself without accepting your true form. Pasta looks and tastes a certain way and the same goes for noodles. You cannot mix your personality with the ideas of other people. All of it has to be in sync with your particular attributes.

Acceptance means “It is what it is” without any judgment, criticism, blame, or resentment. To accept something means to no longer struggle to make it different, i.e., not wishing for a pen to look like a phone. A pen looks and feels a certain way and you cannot change it; however, your attitude, likes, and dislikes towards it are a different story.

Self-acceptance involves being at peace with how you look, what your skills and abilities are, your talents and strengths, and your awareness of the areas you need to improve. It is to manifest “I am okay with the way I am”. We are all born with certain attributes, characteristics, aptitudes, and interest areas. We need to understand our unique approach to the world and our choice to not copy others. After all, the world is no fun if we are all clones of each other!

Acceptance does not mean complacency or resignation to the fact that “I am doomed to be this way!” It does not support being ignorant of our mistakes and giving excuses like, “I am how I am. Deal with it!” Responsibility is crucial to self-acceptance. You must respect every part of yourself and work to change without tearing yourself apart. If there are certain attributes that we would like to change, we at least need to acknowledge their existence with respect.

In the words of Nathaniel Branden, “Self-acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial relationship with myself.”

Acceptance for self, people, and situations simply means “it is what it is”. This is what it looks like, feels like, and behaves like without constantly beating yourself or others for it.

Support your uniqueness by cultivating a sense of genuine appreciation for your true self and embracing your individuality. Then, with respect and kindness, pursue opportunities for personal growth and make deliberate changes that contribute to your journey of self-improvement.

Ingredient #3: Self-respect

During one of my candid conversations with my father during high school, he said, “You shouldn’t demand respect, but command it.”

While I was too young to make sense of his words, this piece of wisdom has stayed with me.

Think of all the people you admire and respect. Notice that your respect for them stems from who they are, not because of some predisposed societal idea of them. They not only show regard for others but also ensure they do not compromise themselves in the process. The truth is if you do not respect yourself – give due consideration to your needs and choices – then the world around you will not either. When you make yourself excessively available, compromise your goals, and tolerate inappropriate behaviour, you inadvertently invite more of the same into your life. Despite receiving respect from others on occasion, you may struggle to fully embrace and acknowledge it.

Respecting yourself entails maintaining your dignity, advocating for what feels right, honouring your choices, expressing your discomfort, and refusing to settle for mistreatment.

Excerpted with permission from Time to Come Home: Sowing the Seeds of Self-Love for Lasting Happiness, Damini Grover, Hay House Publishers.