A new self-help book offers tips on how to battle negative thoughts and self-image

A major assumption that dominates our thoughts is the assumption that we’re “not enough”. Many of us experience this assumption – some more often and more profoundly than others – yet we refuse to acknowledge its existence. Our desire to compare ourselves to our neighbours and to be loved leads us to feel inadequate once we realize we can’t live up to the perfect image we’ve created of ourselves in our minds.

In truth, there will always be people who are smarter, wiser, richer or better-looking than we are. But does it make us not “good enough”? Can the essence of who we are ever be not good enough? Or is it just that we live our lives while operating under the wrong assumptions?

In this section, we’ll explore common assumptions you may hold that lead you to feel inadequate. By acknowledging them, you’ll be able to better accept who you are. Does this mean you’ll never feel as though you aren’t good enough ever again?

Probably not.

But it can definitely help you feel better in your own skin. And that’s good enough, isn’t it?

Now, let’s see what those assumptions are, shall we?

There is something wrong with me

Many people go through life with the unpleasant or even crippling feeling that something is wrong with them. They assume that they have issues nobody will ever understand, and this prevents them from being fully loved or accepted.

In reality, we all have “problems” we’re unable to solve. We all have past “mistakes” that we cannot erase and behaviours we are ashamed of or feel guilty about. However, these past issues are what make us human. We don’t have to let our so-called problems prevent us from being happy and moving toward our dreams.

In truth, because we must live with ourselves 24/7, we lack perspective. As a result, we tend to make our problems a bigger deal than they are. If others could see what we worry about most of the time, they probably wouldn’t understand why we were being so hard on ourselves. They would feel an instant need to comfort us and tell us that we’re doing okay.

The point is, if you feel as though something is wrong with you, you’re not alone. Having flaws doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. Perhaps the only thing wrong is that you believe something is wrong with you. Remember, feeling guilty, ashamed or inadequate will only make things worse by creating unnecessary suffering in your life. Instead, practice being more self-compassionate. This will allow you to accept yourself as you are. It will also allow you to solve problems that can be solved.

Nothing is fundamentally wrong with you. In fact, you’re just being human.

Now, close your eyes for a moment and imagine that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are complete right here, right now. How does this make you feel?

I’m the only one who feels this way

Have you ever felt alone, having nobody to talk to about your problems?

Each of us is unique, yet in our uniqueness, we have more in common with others than we realise. Whatever issue(s) you have in your life right now, you are certainly not alone. There are probably thousands if not millions, of people who are going through or have gone through the same thing as you. The pain you feel isn’t unique to you. It is being felt or has been felt by countless people across the world.

You are not alone.

Therefore, take a moment to acknowledge that many people are in the same boat as you. One effective way to become more self-compassionate is to realize that suffering is human. We all suffer. You become self-compassionate when you acknowledge that you’re sharing the burden of suffering with others.

You are not the only one who feels the way you feel. You don’t have to carry all the weight of suffering on your shoulders. You can spread the load and carry it with many people across the world. As you do so, the burden will become a little lighter.

The way you feel now is okay. Accept the way you feel. Be compassionate toward yourself and you will soon feel better.

Try the following actions:

• Think of something painful in your life.

• Then imagine that there are thousands of people who share the same burden as you (or a similar one).

• Now, feel a sense of solidarity and mutual compassion among all of you.

I’m a fraud

Have you ever felt like a fraud? Do you dread that one day, people will finally realise you are an imposter?

If so, don’t worry. This is a common occurrence.

You’re not the best one to judge your own work. And it’s not your responsibility to decide whether you are a fraud or whether you are legitimate. Too often, we are our own worst enemy. Feeling inadequate, we refuse to pursue our dreams, we don’t take a shot at our ideal job or we fail to ask for what we want. And on those occasions when we do take action to move toward our dreams, we cannot help but feel as though we don’t deserve it, that we’re faking it, that the dreams are not really meant for us.

However, who are you to judge what you do or do not deserve?

The truth is, it’s not your responsibility to decide whether you are qualified for a job or worthy of a potential partner. It’s your future employer or potential partner’s responsibility to do so. Your only responsibility is to give it a shot. It is to do what you must do, and to do so even if you experience feelings of inadequacy.

By refusing to give it a shot, you:

• Rob the world of an opportunity to judge you (both negatively and positively),

• Prevent a potential romantic partner from saying yes, and you

• Steal an employer’s opportunity to offer you your dream job.

And, more importantly, you prevent yourself from discovering who you really are and what you’re truly capable of becoming.

You might well be a fraud, but the only way to ever know this for certain is to present yourself to the world. It might be uncomfortable, but the world is not asking you to feel comfortable, it’s asking you to put yourself out there.

Now, complete the following exercise:

• Write down one specific example in your life where you feel like an imposter.

• Realise this feeling is a positive thing as it shows you really care and want to be good at what you do.

• Then, resolve to do what you must do, regardless of the way you feel. Give others an opportunity to judge you on your actual performance.

Excerpted with permission from Think Better Thoughts: Master Your Thoughts and Grow Your Potential, Thibaut Meurisse, Penguin Business.