Can the Buddha’s teachings help find and sustain romantic relationships? Yes, says a new book

Modern research firmly places happiness as a skill that is acquired as the result of a series of actions and choices in life, thought and relationships. It posits happiness as an approach and attitude that can be learned.

Of course, the Buddha said all this and more some 2500 years ago. He said that happiness comes from choosing the skillful (kusala) or applying skillful remedies (upaya kusala) to different areas of life. We can choose the skilful, the helpful and the positive only when we live with awareness. This means living with intent and mindfulness.

Remedies (upaya) for what, you might ask. Remedies to dukkha, the suffering of life – its stress, pain, disappointment and sense of dissatisfaction. The feeling that life is unsatisfactory. The antidote to that dukkha is the remedy, or upaya.

Remedies can be chosen or created and then acted upon. It all depends on our understanding of this sequence and our willingness to act on it. The process starts with making the right choice.

This holds true for remedies for OUR romantic life too. The Buddha knew just how vital it is to make the right choice in companions and to choose close associates well. The importance of making the “right” choice directly impacts our peace and happiness and the longevity of our relationships. How, then, can we “skilfully” choose our life partner? Discussed and scattered throughout the Sutta Pitaka (the Basket of Discourse) are the steps that help us choose wisely and well.

Beyond traditional thought, beyond traditional criteria

India’s heritage has largely been a matter of tradition, which can become rigid, get straitjacketed and even devolve into righteousness. The life and teachings of the Buddha are marked by questioning tradition and going beyond tradition. Shrugging off blind acceptance. The Buddha was known to choose his own path. He was known for his experiments to distinguish right from wrong. He encouraged his followers to leave aside race, caste, gender and external appearance when choosing or selecting those in close relationships.

We can extend this thought and the underlying skill to choose and accept a partner. The Buddha would never advise his lay disciples to choose a partner only from their own caste, race or creed. He pointed out the absolute importance of compatibility in attitude and approach to life. He spoke of the risk of forming partnerships or intimate relationships with those who were immature. He termed those who were not yet fully developed in their thought and approach as bala. On the other hand, he encouraged close relationships and partnerships with those who were mature, wise and thinking individuals, the pandita

Beyond first impressions and beyond appearance

The 21st century lends itself to multiple choices. From the humble toothpaste to the uber-luxurious vacation, we are spoiled for choice. The plenitude is confusing. Bewildering.

Somehow, each aspect of modern life is about getting more, having more and being more. Media, movies and books have shaped a culture that emphasises good looks, youth and a glittering presentation. Our culture has a huge bias for “better-looking” people, irrespective of other elements.

Looks and presentation then add up to the overemphasis on sexual quotient and appeal. Photoshopped and touched-up images have impressed on us the need for partners who look just right. All of us, men or women, are vulnerable to this bias in our society. Media and social conditioning have led us all to believe that the better-looking our partner, the more desirable-looking our partner, the greater our happiness in having them as our partner. The reality is that appearance alone ensures neither happiness nor longevity in relationships. A better and deeper understanding of those we wish to associate with is necessary. It is important to go beyond the first impression and beyond. appearance

Understanding through association, observation, and evaluation

So, how do we then understand people better? Understanding comes from spending time with another. From observing their behaviour and actions, their interactions. From an unprejudiced evaluation of their beliefs and lives. Since the basis of strong and healthy relationships is a better understanding of people, it needs time and wisdom. Using skill, wisdom and understanding (pannavata in Pali). To better observe and evaluate the inner state or inner development of others. And then choose to be with them.

This process is important to understand your compatibility. Compatibility matters when you decide on a committed relationship with someone. This could well be at work, in a business partnership or in a personal relationship. If all you are seeking is fun, pleasure, a hookup, a fleeting transaction or just someone to have around for the short term, then compatibility is a lesser matter. When it comes to the long term, compatibility is vital.

In the modern world, we all have somehow come to accept and understand that compatibility is a mutual liking – maybe for poetry or Thai curry. Or knowing a similar set of things or people. Or having a similar net worth. Of course, if these things happen, it is wonderful. And yet, compatibility is more than checking boxes.

=It is more than a shared liking for a certain kind of movies or food, and goes beyond belonging to a similar social and financial background. Compatibility is more than having similar jobs in the same industry. It is about shared values and an approach to life that you can respect, appreciate and sometimes even learn from.

What, then, is compatibility? The Buddha taught his followers the four elements of compatibility. All the elements have a similar set of values and priorities. What is important to both people in the relationship. These are:

1. A shared approach to spiritual development: if the term “spirituality” confuses the issue, this can be better understood as “self-development”. It signifies a similar approach to progress in the non-tangible areas of life. What is the approach of each partner in the relationship to moving ahead and working on self-development? Do they respect each other’s approach at the same time?

2. A similar respect for self-discipline: this is an important facet of compatibility. If one partner is given to great self-discipline in matters of health and physical fitness and the other is totally unconcerned, it can grow them apart over time. If one takes responsibility for doing well professionally and the other is indifferent, then too the possibility of a gap exists. The management of time and the use of devices are points to observe and evaluate. How does the other use their time? Is it a balanced or a lopsided approach? This is key to their self-discipline.

3. A similar respect for giving, sharing and charity: If the two partners are on two different planes of giving or sharing, there is an imbalance. This refers to the ability to share and to give time, resources, energy and even charity. It encompasses the approach to caregivers and those less fortunate, as well as the approach to staff and juniors.

4. A similar level of understanding and wisdom: This does not refer to intellectual attainment or educational degrees. It does refer to the mental vibe. An understanding of life and its priorities that is on a similar plane. It encompasses skill, intellect, emotional maturity, attitude, reason and knowledge. For success in any long-term relationship, a similar level of understanding and respect for the other’s wisdom is vital.

Excerpted with permission from Buddha in Love: Building Healthy and Lasting Partnerships, Geetanjali Pandit, Penguin India.