Interview: Grief key part of coming out – parents must let dreams die & celebrate life before them

The Supreme Court hearing in April and May on pleas seeking equal marriage rights may have galvanised the conversation about queerness and identity but the lived realities of many queer individuals and their families can be complex and even difficult.

Aruna Desai, the co-founder of the support group Sweekar-The Rainbow Parents, knows only too well what this struggle can be like. “While interacting with parents, we came to realise that not all parents accept their children for who they are,” said Desai in an interview to Scroll. Bringing parents of queer individuals together would help them support each other, said Desai. “Most importantly, this would allow parents of ‘out’ children to offer peer-counselling and to help other parents who are struggling to accept their own LGBTQIA+ children,” she said.

The coming out process is challenging and nuanced for children, parents, and the network of family bonds surrounding them, said Desai. “As the parents’ place within a social group comes into question, they often need guidance in being an ally to their children, as well as in grieving the loss of historic support systems for the sake of their children.”

For Desai, grief is an important part of the process for parents. “We, as parents, must let our hopes and dreams die so that we can accept and celebrate the life before us,” said Desai. Excerpts:

What are the stages parents often go through in accepting their queer child? It is easy to say ‘love your child for whoever they are’, but that is not always easily done.

When a child comes out to their parents, in most cases, the parents go into a shell. Oftentimes, this is because they are not aware of the LGBTQ community – they have only ever known about heterosexual relationships. Parents then go into denial, and immediately start thinking of what extended family, friends and neighbours will say, forgetting about their own child’s health and happiness.

When homosexuality is attributed to poor parenting, as it often erroneously is, acknowledging that one’s child is queer becomes akin to admitting to being an overbearing or neglectful parent. For some parents, such a social admission inspires anger at their child. These parents often subconsciously feel that if they can shame or scare their child into being straight, they’ll save face. It is common to see these parents cling to their religious ideologies more tightly than they ever have done, which often reinforces the separation between them and their children.

Parents who love and accept their children, however, are often ostracised from their friends and families. Because they align themselves more closely with their children than, say, their religious community, these parents are forced to confront a major fear: rejection. As the parents’ place within a social group comes into question, they often need guidance in being an ally to their children, as well as in grieving the loss of historic support systems for the sake of their children. Working through this fear of rejection allows parents to recognise their own emotions about having a queer child. It gives them awareness and a newfound determination to make the decisions that are best for their family, rather than succumbing to fear-based, reactionary decisions.

Many parents ask – ‘Am I doing this right?’ – they’re fearful of saying something offensive or doing anything which may inadvertently counteract their loving intentions. These parents understand that the coming out process is highly evolved and utterly complex. Not only should you, as a parent, learn the specific language that your child uses to label themselves, but you should also do your best to survey the subtle ways that homophobia, transphobia, or biphobia may shape your own preconceived notions surrounding your LGBTQ+ child.

The coming out process may feel like major whiplash for some parents. After years of planning their child’s future, parents come to grieve their hopes and dreams of, what is usually, a heterosexual marriage for their children. Traditional grief will include acceptance, anger, bargaining, denial, and depression, all of which spring up with neither rhyme nor reason. Grief is an important process, however, and so no matter the context, we, as parents, must let our hopes and dreams die so that we can accept and celebrate the life before us. Accepting reality, however, is no easy feat.

The coming out process is challenging and nuanced for children, parents, and the network of family bonds surrounding them. Each child presents a unique set of circumstances, and every family will have their own communication challenges and sore spots. But the more you know about your child as a loving and caring parent, the better you and your family can navigate the road towards a happy and accepting future.

Parents are often influenced heavily and worried by their own notions of how society will react to them, even if they are accepting of their child’s identity. What is your view and experience of this?

We comfort parents by explaining that these notions are myths and misconceptions and share our experiences, giving them the answers to their questions, and allowing them to become comfortable with their child’s sexual orientation or gender identity.

As a mother, do you think the focus should be on securing the foundation of a queer child, that being anti-bullying, healthcare, workplace inclusion and so on?

Yes, I feel that securing a foundation for queer children is really very important. Talk to your child, asking how they are feeling and if everything is okay at school, as opposed to directly probing them as to whether they are being bullied. They may feel embarrassed and worried that you will think they are gay, and so might choose not to say anything at all.

Remember that homophobic bullying can affect any young person, regardless of their sexual orientation: just because your child is experiencing homophobic bullying does not necessarily mean that they are lesbian, gay, bisexual or trans. Check with the school what procedures are in place for dealing with bullying, particularly homophobic bullying. Involve your child in any decisions that are taken to tackle the bullying they are experiencing. If you are not satisfied with how your child’s teacher responds, talk to the head teacher or bring it to the attention of the school board – including your child at every stage.

Workplaces must have anti-discriminatory policies in place, and there are laws which regulate behaviour of individuals in a work environment. There are many labour laws which ensure a certain level of social security and the maintenance of an individual’s dignity within the workplace. There also exists the Sexual Harassment of Women at Workplace Act, 2013, which establishes strict legal sanctions for any instance of harassment of women, be it physical, verbal or mental. It also places strict measures on inappropriate behaviour in the workplace and has gone a long way in ensuring the safety of working women in the country.

What led to the formation of Sweekar-Rainbow Parents? How has it grown over the years?

While interacting with parents, we came to realise that not all parents accept their children for who they are. With this in mind, we felt it was important to bring together parents of LGBTQIA+ children to form a support group, allowing them to advise and guide each other, keeping each other updated on the latest news and developments. Most importantly, this would allow parents of ‘out’ children to offer peer-counselling and to help other parents who are struggling to accept their own LGBTQIA+ children. The vision of ‘Sweekar The Rainbow Parents’ is to be a pan-Indian organisation, encompassing parents of Indian origin residing in other nations, forming a multicultural network of parents of LGBTQIA+ children who can stand with each other to challenge existing notions of gender and sexuality and fight for their own rights. Support groups like these strengthen the bond between parents and children.

Our main objective is to enrol more and more parents through sharing our own acceptance stories and providing security to parents through maintaining confidentiality. We provide accurate information to parents about various issues such as queer identities, laws, myths, prejudices and health through expert training. We train parents to deal with family members, their community and society at large.

Our final aim is to work towards ending discrimination towards the queer community, and towards getting all the rights that they deserve.

We write to the editors of newspapers and speak to the media at every occasion possible. We seek to change hearts and minds, often one person at a time. We make parents comfortable in our forum by talking and sharing experiences among each other. We are now a community of 400+ people.

Sweekar sent a statement to the Supreme Court on why you believe the Courts should support marriage equality. Why did you find it necessary to do?

It was necessary to tell the Supreme Court and people of our country at large about our take on marriage equality. When news started circulating about the same-sex marriage case, many people started making videos or giving statements about the community. People have the habit of talking negatively without even realising what they are saying.

The lack of legal acceptance of same sex relationships deprives LGBTQ+ couples of the dignity and rights that are available to heterosexual couples through the institution of marriage. We could see people reacted in an overwhelmingly negative way towards marriage equality, and decided that writing an open letter to the Supreme Court would convey the message that we, as parents, also want our children to be able to settle down happily with their choice of partner.

What is that one message you’d wish to send parents, politicians, media, religious groups and all the influencers who make society what it is?

To parents, the most important action is accepting your own child wholeheartedly, because acceptance starts at home. You don’t need to be an expert in LGBTQ+ matters to let them know you care. Even if you’re not sure what to say, something as simple as, “I’m here for you. I love you, and I will support you no matter what” can mean the world to your child.

To politicians, queer and trans people from every state should be encouraged and allowed to run for seats in elections. If a queer person were to walk into a police station today, it would be difficult for them to be treated fairly and with justice: they are often denied their rights and safety is a serious issue. This is the lived reality of queer people, and having a strong, political voice will increase the momentum of the queer rights movement in India.

People will know of their troubles. Standing for the changes and rights that LGBTQ+ individuals seek would be easier from within the corporation council. The way a trans person lives is marked differently from another person. Campaigning as a trans or a queer person would also be a way to make people aware of their issues and change public perception.

To the media, representation in the mainstream media is a powerful tool for shaping the broader societal understanding of people and communities, and the LGBTQ+ community are no exception. The media must take on the responsibility of presenting LGBTQ+ community in a fair, balanced and unprejudiced manner.

To religious groups, various faiths and congregations have different views on the LGBT community. Despite what you’ve been taught, it’s very important to know and celebrate the fact that there is nothing wrong with being gay. In fact, it is completely normal and natural. There are many queer people who are deeply religious and continue to attend religious services even after accepting their own identity.

The support group can be found on Facebook and Instagram.

Sharif Rangnekar is the author of Straight to Normal and Queersapien. He is also the director of the Rainbow Literature Festival.

This article is part of the Queer & Inclusive series.